Testimony

I was reading my patriarchal blessing the other day. It stated in it that i should write down my testimony for my posterity to read. Its hard for me to just write and describe my true feelings for this gospel! I have been impacted greatly by The Atonement of Christ! I have grown to know and love Christ with all of my heart. The Atonement is amazing, i mean for Christ to be able to suffer for ALL of my sins and to feel everything that i felt... I mean he knows how i felt thru the adoption, child birth, divorce, parents divorce, Loss of loved ones, Loss of the spirit. Those are just some of my sorrows, he experienced EVERYONE'S sorrows and pain, The Holocaust... Murders, Rape, Molestations, EVERYTHING! Its incredible, he is human not a lot of people look at him that way because he is so high up but "He Wept" he can feel. I know this Gospel is real i know we were sent here on this earth for a purpose. The great Plan of Salvation! I testify that the lord answers prayers in unique ways that will benefit the recipient most. I know that heavenly father will never leave us he is always there especially in our darkest moments. All we have to do is ask and he will wrap his arms around us! I believe that our prophets all have a special witness that God lives and they are able to guide and direct us thru the lords eyes. I know that as long as we do our part by living faithfully and following the commandments that the lord will keep his end of the bargain. He will bless us! I know that Christ died for our sins and that he was resurrected! I have a testimony of Temples although i have only experienced baptism i know that once we get sealed for time and all eternity that gives us all the blessings of the holy ghost that we are able to obtain in this life. As long as we stay faithful we will have eternal families! That's something that i definitely look forward to! I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ Amen!

The Others, Hardest for me

The Others, Hardest for Me
When a birth mother makes the hard decision that her child is meant to be in another home, it affects more people more deeply than she could ever imagine. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and especially grandparents. It means letting go of all the memories they expected to make together...Trips to the cabin, Cookie baking sessions, sleepovers, spoiling and applauding and loving. Grandparents have a special place in their hearts dedicated to giving their grandchildren everything they want. It takes true courage and the truest kind of love to be willing to give them everything they need. What's best for you is hardest for me. I'd start this out saying that my heart is breaking, but that wouldn't truly convey the depth of my feeling. It's no use concealing The things i don't know how to say. You'll be leaving and I'll be grieving a dream that never will be. It's a hard test when what's best for you Is hardest for me. When this decision made such a revision in plans, I held tightly before My fear was that, it wasn't clear to me giving you up was really giving you more Cause anyone loving you more than I already do was hard to believe. It's a hard test when what's best for you is Hardest for me. Its a taste of the bitter that lets us know better Why one suffered in Gethsemane. Its a hard test when whats best for you is hardest for me.

Suprise Jayden

Today I tried to take a nap but it didnt work that well. So i just watched some tv on my laptop for a little while then i got a random text from Eric and Heather. They said they were in Provo and would like to stop by so i could see Jayden. I was so excited, i love seeing Jayden bug. He is even bigger than the last time i saw him. He is the cutest thing ever! I was holding him and he started to cry so i handed him over to Eric. It just doesn't feel natural to me with Jayden. Im ok holding him when he is content but as soon as he cries that is hard for me.

The Climb Miley Cyrus

The Climb
I can almost see it That dream I’m dreaming but There’s a voice inside my head sayin,You’ll never reach it,Every step I’m taking,Every move I make feelsLost with no directionMy faith is shaking but IGot to keep tryinGot to keep my head held highThere’s always going to be another mountainI’m always going to want to make it movetheres always going to be an uphill battle,Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,Ain’t about how fast I get there,Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other sideIt’s the climbThe struggles I’m facing,The chances I’m takingSometimes they might knock me down butNo I’m not breakingI may not know itBut these are the moments thatI’m going to remember most yeahJust got to keep goingAnd I,I got to be strongJust keep pushing on,causeThere’s always going to be another mountainI’m always going to want to make it moveAlways going to be an uphill battle,Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,Ain’t about how fast I get there,Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other sideIt’s the climbThere’s always going to be another mountainI’m always going to want to make it moveAlways going to be an uphill battle,Sometimes you're going to have to lose,Ain’t about how fast I get there,Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other sideIt’s the climbKeep on movingKeep climbingKeep the faith babyIt’s all aboutIt’s all aboutThe climbKeep the faithKeep your faith

Birth Mother Panel

Birth Mother Panel
Yesterday i went to this birth mother panel for adoptive couples thing. There were 4 birth mothers there and about 25 couples wanting to adopt. So 50 people staring at us. We all just told our stories of the whole process from why we chose to adopt, How we picked the couples, If we met them before the birth, Labor and delivery, placement, and then what life is like now. It was alot harder than i expected it to be. I went second and the girl before me told her story and i just started crying. Then it was my turn how was i going to get thru my story if i was already crying on the previous girls story. My story was the longest i just kept going and going lol it was bad. After words James came and gave me a big hug and told me he was proud of me. He said we probably should get together soon and discuss some issues. He said i obviously havent dealt with it yet. I've just pushed my feelings back. He wanted me to do an even bigger panel with about 150 people there and i dont think i can do that again. Maybe in a few years but not anytime soon that was really hard. Im doing ok now it was just the first time reliving the whole experience out loud from start to finish. Everything is going to be ok Jayden is great! Eric and Heather are great! My life is great :) Everything is just great as long as i dont have to do another one of those panels again..

Placement

I'm finally ready to write about the placement of Jayden. After they brought him back from the nursery. My family took turns holding him then left about an hour later. Eric and Heather were the last ones to leave. They just thanked me and told me they would have waited 10 years just to meet me, and that i was the greatest blessing in their lives. They really are great people and i know they will be great for Jayden. They then left and i picked Jayden up and held him the rest of the night i didn't want to sleep because i knew my time was limited with him. I just stared at him all night long, Talking with him and taking care of him. The nurses would come and get him every few hours to check his vitals and his blood sugar and everything it was the longest hour of my life. I just broke down and cried i didn't know how i was going to get through the next couple of days. James ( My adoption counselor ) called me first thing the next morning it was a Sunday. He encouraged me to get some rest it will help me be less emotional if that is even possible. He said he just wanted me to have a clear mind. So i visited with my family throughout the day we were just having a good time laughing and reminiscing. I was just trying to keep my mind off of what was about to happen the next day. My friend Candice stayed with me til about 11:00pm that night. Then she left and i just held Jayden and stared at him for the next 3 hours then we fell asleep together. I was just holding him in my arms the whole time. I woke up at 5 am and fed him. Then just sat there until Chrissy ( Devin's sister) came and visited me. She herself actually placed a baby a few years prior so it was nice having someone there that knew what i was going through. She just talked to me for a little while and told me that i was going to be ok. We were scheduled to place around 3:00 pm. Eric and Heather got there around 1:30 to do a car seat test on Jayden because he was so tiny they just wanted to make sure he would be ok in a car seat for 90 min. I just talked with them in the nursery while they were doing the test everything was fine. Seeing them reassured me that i was doing the right thing. Then James came and asked me if i was ready i said yes... we walked back to my room and he handed me the paper work. He asked me if i really wanted to do this. I said of course i don't want to to do this who in their right mind would want to.?? But its what i needed to do... and its what i know is right. My dad was by my side the whole time. James started to read the papers i was fine until he got to the relinquishment part and i lost it. My dad just put his arms around me and just let me get it out. I cried and cried for about a half hour straight with the pen in my hand i was shaking so bad. James asked me if i needed more time... I said i can't take any more time it'll just get harder. So i signed the papers and that was it Jayden was no longer my baby. I just sat there in shock and then i felt a peace come over me. My dad then offered me a blessing and of course i accepted because i knew the lord needed to tell me something. So my dad called his buddy over to help him with this blessing. Eric and Heather came in the room and their social worker and mine was still in the room. My dad gave me a blessing it was amazing! Eric then gave baby Jayden his first fathers blessing while i was holding him in my arms. After the blessing i just sat there and looked at Jayden then kissed him on the head and started to cry again. Everyone left the room to give me some alone time with Jayden to say my goodbyes. I just talked to him for about 15 min. and told him that i loved him and that Eric and Heather were going to be the greatest parents. He was going to be in good hands and have a great life that i wasn't able to provide at the time. After that i opened the door to let everyone back in. I placed Jayden in his car seat and Heather just ran up to me and threw her arms around me. Just said Thank you Jessica! We love you! That was the first time she had expressed anything, Eric was always the one talking and i think Heather was just afraid that i wasn't going to go through with it until i actually placed him in the car seat. I then walked them out to their car. We took a picture of the four of us. Then they loaded him in the back seat and gave me one last hug and drove away.... I then went home and faced the worse night of my life. I cried all night long! Then i checked my email and received a picture of baby Jayden and a nice email from Eric and Heather. They were so eternally grateful! Seeing Jayden made me feel better and made me smile knowing that he was going to be ok and that he was in a good place. Everyday just keeps getting better and better. This was the hardest decision I've ever made but it has changed my life for the better! I'm grateful for this experience! I was in a really dark place before I found the whole new world of adoption. It truly is an incredible gift for all parties involved. I decided that I needed to live a better life after I placed Jayden. I turned to my Heavenly Father like I never had before in my life. I know Heavenly Father had his arms around me through the whole adoption. I just felt peace which is weird because it seriously will be the hardest choice that I will ever have to make. I was pleased to hear that Jayden was sealed to Eric and Heather. That is what I couldn't give him that I really needed him to have. After all that is why we are here on this earth. I am now enrolled in school and have about 4 semesters left until I graduate. I honestly don't think I would have gone to school if I didn't have this eye opening experience. I am now re-married and have two kids Kiera and Kyle and we will all be sealed in the temple on June 15th. Jayden saved my life from a dark path and I will forever be grateful for Eric and Heather being the people they are and coming into my life when they did. I know adoption exists for a reason and is part of Heavenly Fathers great plan. I know that I was just suppose to carry Jayden but Eric and Heather were always his parents.

Labor & Delivery

I woke up the morning of the 24th of Jan. and was leaking fluid so i decided to go into the hospital. They checked me and decided to admit me. I was scared to death because the baby was still breech. Dr. Jones came in and talked to me and said he would try and turn the baby. He warned me that the chances of the baby turning weren't good. The anesthesiologist came in to prep me for a c- section i told him to stand back in the corner because i only wanted to think positive. :) I had about 6 nurses around me and then my doctor started pushing on my belly trying to get the baby to turn. The baby was laying horizontally. The first time he didn't move an inch. Dr. Jones took a minute to rest then began pressing down on my belly again as hard as he could. I decided to just relax because that was the only way my uterus would relax and allow the baby to move. As soon as i told myself to relax the baby moved 3/4 of a circle and was in the cephalic position i was so happy! The nurses were all amazed! The anesthesiologist left he was also in awe! The Doctor then broke my water and they started me. I text everyone that i wanted to be there. Eric and Heather came about an hour later and mingled with me and my family. Eric was so fun to watch he kept watching my monitors and he was totally involved it was awesome! Heather seemed to be a little scared. I think it was a little surreal to her that she was actually getting a baby and i am sure she was scared that i was going to change my mind too. She was watching me go thru contractions and that had to be hard seeing me go thru all the pain so she can have a baby . I just kept putting myself in their shoes wondering what they were feeling. Imagining how hard this whole process had to be for them. Their hopes were up so high and could easily be crushed the next minute. My contractions started getting stronger and stronger i had to wear an oxygen mask because the baby's heart rate would drop with every contraction and that isn't good. I hated the mask but wore it for the baby. It was so hard to breathe with that thing i got so claustrophobic. I decided to get the epidural around 5:30 pm because the nurses said it would be around 6 when i would have him. I was dilated to a 3 at this time.The anesthesiologist came back in and gave me the epidural the contractions were still pretty strong at that point. After he put the epidural in he asked me how i was feeling and if i felt any weird tingling in my leg. I said no then a second later i felt an excruciating pain, I let out a huge scream!!! The nurse grabbed my hands and asked me what i was feeling i told her i felt like i was going to explode!! I had no idea what was going on with my body. The pain then went away and came back about 30 seconds later. The nurse grabbed my hands again and said Jessica i need you to tell me what you are feeling. I said i feel like i am going to have a bowel movement!! she pushed me back and checked me she yelled for the doctor and said this baby is coming. I went from being dilated to a 3 to him crowning. It all made sense now, so I was able to relax and just breathe now that i knew what was going on with my body. I never scream i have the highest tolerance for pain. I think i was more scared than anything because i didn't know what was happening to my body. (I mean i was just dilated to a 3 so i really didn't think it was the baby coming already). The doctor ran down the hallway threw his jacket at the nurses in the nurse station and made it just in time for me to push the baby out. I felt everything natural child birth. I pushed 3 times and 5 min. later this beautiful baby boy was born at 6:11 pm he was 6 lbs 15 oz and 18 inches long!!! They handed him to me. I started tearing up he was so beautiful and yet he wasn't mine... I didn't have that bond with him like I did with Kiera. I felt like he was meant to be with Eric and Heather all along. I did my job as a mother and that was giving birth to him but Eric and Heather were to raise him. After i held him for about 20 min. they took him to the nursery to give him a bath and clean him up and make sure everything was ok. I just sat and mingled with my family after that. I felt bad because I didn't give Eric and Heather a bracelet to go in and see their baby boy. I just wasn't thinking at the time. I totally regret that decision or lack there of now. Eric and Heather left after a little while to let me have some time with him before I had to let him go. They truly are amazing people they respected me and put themselves in my shoes. I will forever be grateful to them for this amazing gift called adoption. It changes lives! Eric and Heather chose his first name and they let me choose his middle name. I chose James after my adoption counselor because without him I would have been lost. He helped me through the hardest time in my life it just made sense to name this beautiful child after him. Jayden James Prescott is his name. He is amazing, he came into this world not realizing the impact he had on everyone's life. He saved my life, he made Eric and Heather's dream of becoming parents come true. What a powerful blessing adoption is. Heavenly Father sure knows what he is doing and I feel so blessed to have found the gospel in my life.

Decision of Adoption

When I found out I was pregnant for the second time. I was completely devastated I wasn't in a position to bring another child into the world. When I found out I was pregnant with Kiera I was excited and didn't have a thought of adoption at all. The feelings inside of me were just completely different this time around. I didn't feel a connection and I just knew I wasn't suppose to be the one to raise him. I wanted my baby boy to have the best life possible and i knew i wouldn't be able to give him what i needed him to have. I wouldn't be able to support him on my own and give him a good life. I kept having a thought come into my mind, check out LDS family services this would happen repeatedly. I decided to go to the website not knowing what it was all about. I had never thought about adoption before and wasn't sure how it all worked. I wasn't sure if that was something that I could do either. I felt like only selfish people would place their child for adoption. I entered the website and was drawn to these adoption profiles. I started reading peoples stories on what brought them to the point of wanting to adopt. My heart was starting to soften and I felt peace when I was on this website. I decided to email couples just to get a feel for how all this worked. I was feeling very stressed when I received emails back from these couples. I felt like they were degrading me for wanting to place my child for adoption. It wasn't even something I wanted to do at that point, I was just checking out the website because of the prompting that I received. They just made me feel awful and overwhelmed. They would share their story with me and I felt like I was being left with no choice. They would just tell me they would take good care of my baby and be the best parents. It was just an uneasy feeling. I then received two other emails back. These two emails were so different than the multiple others I had received. I felt more comfortable and a peace came over me. I felt like these two couples really cared about me as a person and not just because I had a potential baby for them. I emailed both couples back and thanked them for being respectful and understanding of my situation. When I received a reply back from each couple I felt so much peace from a particular email that I received, their names were Eric and Heather. I decided to email back the other couples and let them know that I wasn't going with them. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me when I did that. I just kept emailing Eric and Heather to the point where I couldn't wait to wake up and see if they had responded. I felt like I had known them forever and everything just seemed right. I decided to contact my adoption counselor to set up a meeting with this wonderful couple. I already knew in my mind that they were my little boy's parents. It was mind boggling to me that I could feel so strongly about a decision that was so hard. My counselor said that I could meet multiple couples just to make sure but I knew this couple were the ones for my baby. They entered the room and I just received an overwhelming feeling like I had known them before. I just felt at ease and was finally at peace with the decision to place. I went through the motions and asked them all the questions I could think of... thinking the whole time I just want to tell them! I just want to tell them! James (my adoption counselor) said he has never had anyone that only met one couple and knew from there that they were the ones. I finally ran out of questions and looked over at James and he knew I was just ready to tell them. I gave them their little gift basket and told them that I chose them. I think they were really shocked because they thought I was still talking to other couples, when in reality they were the only ones I was talking to from the second email received. I loved the look on their faces when I told them. They just appeared to be so grateful and shocked at the same time. It was incredible. I started putting myself in their shoes from that point forward. I felt so bad that Heather couldn't experience what I was experiencing with her baby boy. I felt saddened that they couldn't have children. My heart was overwhelmed with love for this couple. I felt so grateful that I was able to give them the greatest blessing. I absolutely love being a mom and just feel so blessed that I was chosen to be the one to give them this wonderful gift.