Decision of Adoption

When I found out I was pregnant for the second time. I was completely devastated I wasn't in a position to bring another child into the world. When I found out I was pregnant with Kiera I was excited and didn't have a thought of adoption at all. The feelings inside of me were just completely different this time around. I didn't feel a connection and I just knew I wasn't suppose to be the one to raise him. I wanted my baby boy to have the best life possible and i knew i wouldn't be able to give him what i needed him to have. I wouldn't be able to support him on my own and give him a good life. I kept having a thought come into my mind, check out LDS family services this would happen repeatedly. I decided to go to the website not knowing what it was all about. I had never thought about adoption before and wasn't sure how it all worked. I wasn't sure if that was something that I could do either. I felt like only selfish people would place their child for adoption. I entered the website and was drawn to these adoption profiles. I started reading peoples stories on what brought them to the point of wanting to adopt. My heart was starting to soften and I felt peace when I was on this website. I decided to email couples just to get a feel for how all this worked. I was feeling very stressed when I received emails back from these couples. I felt like they were degrading me for wanting to place my child for adoption. It wasn't even something I wanted to do at that point, I was just checking out the website because of the prompting that I received. They just made me feel awful and overwhelmed. They would share their story with me and I felt like I was being left with no choice. They would just tell me they would take good care of my baby and be the best parents. It was just an uneasy feeling. I then received two other emails back. These two emails were so different than the multiple others I had received. I felt more comfortable and a peace came over me. I felt like these two couples really cared about me as a person and not just because I had a potential baby for them. I emailed both couples back and thanked them for being respectful and understanding of my situation. When I received a reply back from each couple I felt so much peace from a particular email that I received, their names were Eric and Heather. I decided to email back the other couples and let them know that I wasn't going with them. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me when I did that. I just kept emailing Eric and Heather to the point where I couldn't wait to wake up and see if they had responded. I felt like I had known them forever and everything just seemed right. I decided to contact my adoption counselor to set up a meeting with this wonderful couple. I already knew in my mind that they were my little boy's parents. It was mind boggling to me that I could feel so strongly about a decision that was so hard. My counselor said that I could meet multiple couples just to make sure but I knew this couple were the ones for my baby. They entered the room and I just received an overwhelming feeling like I had known them before. I just felt at ease and was finally at peace with the decision to place. I went through the motions and asked them all the questions I could think of... thinking the whole time I just want to tell them! I just want to tell them! James (my adoption counselor) said he has never had anyone that only met one couple and knew from there that they were the ones. I finally ran out of questions and looked over at James and he knew I was just ready to tell them. I gave them their little gift basket and told them that I chose them. I think they were really shocked because they thought I was still talking to other couples, when in reality they were the only ones I was talking to from the second email received. I loved the look on their faces when I told them. They just appeared to be so grateful and shocked at the same time. It was incredible. I started putting myself in their shoes from that point forward. I felt so bad that Heather couldn't experience what I was experiencing with her baby boy. I felt saddened that they couldn't have children. My heart was overwhelmed with love for this couple. I felt so grateful that I was able to give them the greatest blessing. I absolutely love being a mom and just feel so blessed that I was chosen to be the one to give them this wonderful gift.