Placement

I'm finally ready to write about the placement of Jayden. After they brought him back from the nursery. My family took turns holding him then left about an hour later. Eric and Heather were the last ones to leave. They just thanked me and told me they would have waited 10 years just to meet me, and that i was the greatest blessing in their lives. They really are great people and i know they will be great for Jayden. They then left and i picked Jayden up and held him the rest of the night i didn't want to sleep because i knew my time was limited with him. I just stared at him all night long, Talking with him and taking care of him. The nurses would come and get him every few hours to check his vitals and his blood sugar and everything it was the longest hour of my life. I just broke down and cried i didn't know how i was going to get through the next couple of days. James ( My adoption counselor ) called me first thing the next morning it was a Sunday. He encouraged me to get some rest it will help me be less emotional if that is even possible. He said he just wanted me to have a clear mind. So i visited with my family throughout the day we were just having a good time laughing and reminiscing. I was just trying to keep my mind off of what was about to happen the next day. My friend Candice stayed with me til about 11:00pm that night. Then she left and i just held Jayden and stared at him for the next 3 hours then we fell asleep together. I was just holding him in my arms the whole time. I woke up at 5 am and fed him. Then just sat there until Chrissy ( Devin's sister) came and visited me. She herself actually placed a baby a few years prior so it was nice having someone there that knew what i was going through. She just talked to me for a little while and told me that i was going to be ok. We were scheduled to place around 3:00 pm. Eric and Heather got there around 1:30 to do a car seat test on Jayden because he was so tiny they just wanted to make sure he would be ok in a car seat for 90 min. I just talked with them in the nursery while they were doing the test everything was fine. Seeing them reassured me that i was doing the right thing. Then James came and asked me if i was ready i said yes... we walked back to my room and he handed me the paper work. He asked me if i really wanted to do this. I said of course i don't want to to do this who in their right mind would want to.?? But its what i needed to do... and its what i know is right. My dad was by my side the whole time. James started to read the papers i was fine until he got to the relinquishment part and i lost it. My dad just put his arms around me and just let me get it out. I cried and cried for about a half hour straight with the pen in my hand i was shaking so bad. James asked me if i needed more time... I said i can't take any more time it'll just get harder. So i signed the papers and that was it Jayden was no longer my baby. I just sat there in shock and then i felt a peace come over me. My dad then offered me a blessing and of course i accepted because i knew the lord needed to tell me something. So my dad called his buddy over to help him with this blessing. Eric and Heather came in the room and their social worker and mine was still in the room. My dad gave me a blessing it was amazing! Eric then gave baby Jayden his first fathers blessing while i was holding him in my arms. After the blessing i just sat there and looked at Jayden then kissed him on the head and started to cry again. Everyone left the room to give me some alone time with Jayden to say my goodbyes. I just talked to him for about 15 min. and told him that i loved him and that Eric and Heather were going to be the greatest parents. He was going to be in good hands and have a great life that i wasn't able to provide at the time. After that i opened the door to let everyone back in. I placed Jayden in his car seat and Heather just ran up to me and threw her arms around me. Just said Thank you Jessica! We love you! That was the first time she had expressed anything, Eric was always the one talking and i think Heather was just afraid that i wasn't going to go through with it until i actually placed him in the car seat. I then walked them out to their car. We took a picture of the four of us. Then they loaded him in the back seat and gave me one last hug and drove away.... I then went home and faced the worse night of my life. I cried all night long! Then i checked my email and received a picture of baby Jayden and a nice email from Eric and Heather. They were so eternally grateful! Seeing Jayden made me feel better and made me smile knowing that he was going to be ok and that he was in a good place. Everyday just keeps getting better and better. This was the hardest decision I've ever made but it has changed my life for the better! I'm grateful for this experience! I was in a really dark place before I found the whole new world of adoption. It truly is an incredible gift for all parties involved. I decided that I needed to live a better life after I placed Jayden. I turned to my Heavenly Father like I never had before in my life. I know Heavenly Father had his arms around me through the whole adoption. I just felt peace which is weird because it seriously will be the hardest choice that I will ever have to make. I was pleased to hear that Jayden was sealed to Eric and Heather. That is what I couldn't give him that I really needed him to have. After all that is why we are here on this earth. I am now enrolled in school and have about 4 semesters left until I graduate. I honestly don't think I would have gone to school if I didn't have this eye opening experience. I am now re-married and have two kids Kiera and Kyle and we will all be sealed in the temple on June 15th. Jayden saved my life from a dark path and I will forever be grateful for Eric and Heather being the people they are and coming into my life when they did. I know adoption exists for a reason and is part of Heavenly Fathers great plan. I know that I was just suppose to carry Jayden but Eric and Heather were always his parents.