Jayden

I lay here restless just trying to fall asleep. I can't help but think of Jayden. I just have nights where I cry myself to sleep because I miss him. I feel a void. The pain is excruciating. I thought it might help if I write about my thoughts. Jayden should be starting school if he hasn't already. I haven't spoken to Eric and Heather in awhile so I don't know. I feel guilty contacting them sometimes because I feel like I am intruding. I have always felt that way since I placed him for adoption. I just tend to keep myself updated by reading their family blog. I tell myself that is for the best and that that will have to do but in reality I really just miss Jayden. I want to have a relationship with him especially now that he is getting older. I don't ever want him to feel like I didn't want him and that I don't think about him often. I also don't want him to be confused by my presence. I just want what is best for him and I don't know which way to go with it. I don't want to be selfish on my end and ask to start seeing him especially if that isn't what is best for him. My fear is that when he starts wondering about his birth parents that he won't know who I am and he will just have his own imagination to turn to. I know Eric and Heather talk to him about me but pictures I feel can only go so far. I will have to contact Heather tomorrow and see how he is doing and ask how she is doing with him starting school. I know when Kiera had her first day at school it was rough. It is hard watching your children grow up right before your eyes. You only have a limited time to raise them until they are able to go out into the real world on their own. Kiera starts 3rd grade tomorrow, I can't get over that! My baby girl just got baptized and is now going into 3rd grade. It is fun watching her personality shape into this great girl. She really is just one of the greatest blessings in my life. This has got to be one of the most random blog posts I have ever done but it is helping me feel tired. I will probably end up deleting this post tomorrow but until then here are my feelings world!